The official student newspaper of Walter Johnson High School

The Pitch

The official student newspaper of Walter Johnson High School

The Pitch

The official student newspaper of Walter Johnson High School

The Pitch

The Princess Diary of Kate Middleton

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My world has undoubtedly been shattered. Every dream, hope and aspiration that I had has been destroyed. No, it is not because I did not get into my dream college or that “Glee” is being canceled; it is because Prince William has gotten engaged and thus, my dream of becoming the Princess of England has diminished.

My desire to become a princess started, like most girls, when I was a toddler and watched every Disney princess movie there was.  It grew stronger as I got older when I mastered the wave and pose, and even designed my princess gown. The book series “The Princess Diaries” was not just a good read for me; it was a lifestyle guide.

Despite how bitter and envious I am towards Kate Middleton, Prince William’s fiance, I have decided to take her under my wing, as a want to-be princess expert, and give her some advice, as she becomes the next Princess of England.

  1. Wear a Big Tiara: You are going to be a princess. Do not in any way, shape or form be modest. I know that you probably want to be humble, but you are going to be a princess. Wear the biggest and most blinged-out tiara you possibly can because, unlike yours truly, you can get away with it. Show your modesty by doing a lot of charity work or adopt a puppy from a shelter. Don’t skimp on the jewels.
  2. Stay a brunette: Kate, you are gorgeous and intelligent. Without a doubt you are putting us brunettes at the top of the world. Everyone is going to want to darken their luscious blonde hair and become one of us. Your elegance and poise is improving our social status. Always stay our role model and never become blonde. Ever.
  3. Don’t be ashamed to go clubbing and act your age: Kate, I know that you now have a tremendous amount of responsibility and are going to be constantly watched by the paparazzi, but please do not forget that you are young. You are only 28-years-old; do not for any minute think that you have to be a boring adult. It is perfectly acceptable to sit at the bar with your girlfriends looking like the British version of “Sex and the City.”
  4. Never end up on the Worst-Dressed list: When I say never, I mean never. You are following in the footsteps of Princess Diana who was known for her exquisite style and has been deemed a fashion icon. From my bottom of my heart, I ask you to never end up on any list like this, regardless if it is a British magazine  or a trashy-gossip American tabloid.  It will shatter all my confidence in you; I will be left heartbroken, and without a role model.
  5. Have a signature dress like a Disney Princess: Every single Disney Princess has their signature dress. Belle dawns the yellow ball gown while Mulan rocks the traditional kimono. If you truly want to be a princess, Kate, you have to have a signature dress that you wear to everything. Little girls won’t recognize you on their lunchboxes unless you wear the same thing! When they come out with the Kate Middleton Doll, how will they decide what outfit it should wear? The Cinderella doll always wears the same thing and that is why she is so popular.
  6. Don’t be embarrassed to carry a GPS system around the palace: Not everyone is perfect and we all know that palaces tend to be on the big side when it comes to housing. Therefore, we won’t judge or doubt your intelligence if you need a GPS system to get yourself around the palace.

There you go, Kate.  A few simple rules to follow as you become the Princess of England. Now I am sure that the royal family is coaching you on all etiquette one must acquire to become a princess, but I guarantee that my rules will help you become so well-liked that you will become the Princess of the Universe. Mark my words.

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Jessica Evans, Online Editorial Editor
While most five-year-old kids were reading The Berenstain Bears, Jessica Evans was busy reading The Pitch. Her older brother, Chad, was the Editor-in-Chief of The Pitch during the ’92-’93 school year. From an early age she knew that she was destined to follow in her brother’s glorious footsteps and become an esteemed member of The Pitch. Her childhood dream became a reality when she joined The Pitch staff this year, her senior year, and was named the Online Editorial Editor.  Jessica also became the first ever columnist for “The Bullpen,” which is her pride and joy. When Jessica isn’t absorbed in the journalism world, she enjoys watching horrible reality television, being a counselor at Camp Twin Creeks, running, hanging out with friends, seeing Broadway musicals and supporting her beloved Boston Red Sox. She will miss her Pitch family incredibly next year, but plans to carry the lessons that Ms. Gates and Sylvie Ellen have taught her while studying journalism and communications at a university that shall be named later.  Her sincere hope is to live in New York City, after graduating college, and walk the streets as the next Carrie Bradshaw.
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