When I started attending WJ, I was excited that my school was named in honor of a legendary baseball player rather than a boring poet. When I asked others the story behind their school’s name, they would unenthusiastically say, “Oh, it’s named after some guy who did something with science” or “This writer from the 1880’s, I don’t really know.” I would then brag and proudly say that my school was named after Walter Johnson. Their eyes would light up as they said “How cool!” My WJ pride has led me to think about which notable figures will have schools named after them in the next 50 years.
Oprah Winfrey University: an institution with thousands of majors to study, just like her plethora of projects. Winfrey’s resume is too big to have her name on a high school; high schools don’t receive as much attention as universities do. With a high school there is only one campus, with a university there are multiple campuses and school; more buildings means more attention for the “queen of the world.” Oprah Winfrey University will be accepting applications in 2060.
The Lindsay Lohan Correctional School: where bad kids become good. The adorable kid was first introduced to us in the remake of “The Parent Trap,” and then went on to become an “A-list” celebrity, staring in hit movies like “Mean Girls” and “Georgia Rule.” However, like many child-stars, Lohan got swept up into the party scene and has been charged with drug possession and has had multiple DUIs. Her limited runs in rehab have earned her her own institution to help the juveniles of American and the underprivileged child stars.
The Donald Trump School of Business: To be honest, I’m still amazed at how “The Donald” can make so much money. Since he has so many buildings, country clubs, shows and probably an island named after him, he might as well pay lots of money to have a school with his name on it. With that, if you want to become the next “Apprentice,” make sure you first get a degree from “The Donald Trump School of Business.”
The Kanye West School of Etiquette: where you will walk-in classless and leave with incredible nobility. West has a reputation for being so well-behaved in public, like showing up to a red carpet intoxicated. Many of us remember when Kanye was incredibly poised at the 2009 Video Music Awards, where he gracefully walked on stage in the middle of Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech for the Best Video of the Year. Nothing says class like when he said on live television, at a Hurricane Katrina telethon, that George W. Bush “does not care about black people.” At the Kanye West School of Etiquette, you too can become as proper as the man himself.
Antoine Dodson School of Self-Defense: where you will learn what to do when a rapist is climbing in your windows and snatchin’ your people up. After becoming a sensation from the auto-tuned version of the news report where he was interviewed after saving his sister from being attacked, Dodson became an expert on protecting people. In honor of his triumphs, The Antoine Dodson School of Self-Defense will open to teach the American people how to defend themselves as well as turn news reports into a hit-single on iTunes.
The Michael Vick Veterinarian School: the leading academy of animal-care. Vick has made a name for himself for the past 10 years in the NFL. While he was throwing touchdowns and winning games, he hid a secret from the world. In April 2007, Vick’s secret passion was revealed: he is a dog lover. From 2001 to 2007, Vick had 66 dogs in his house as well as a “dog playground,” for them to enjoy. Who knew that he loved animals so much? His animosity and advocacy towards “man’s best friend” certainly deserves to have a veterinarian school that dawns his name so proudly.
Bernie Madoff School of Economics: where you will learn how to control the New York Stock Exchange. Madoff’s life-story is just another tale of the American dream. His parents married during the greatest event in American history, The Great Depression, and after hard work and determination, they became successful in the finance industry. Madoff, inspired by his parents’ success, launched his own investment firm called Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities, LLC. Soon, Madoff became a legend in the New York Stock Exchange for making it flourish. Fellow investors called him “god-sent” and wanted to make a statue of him. Madoff’s incredible contribution to our economy earns him his own school of economics, where his strategic financial plans can enrich the future investors of America.
Sarah Palin School of International Studies: where you will learn from the world’s brightest and intellectual professors of the respective study. When former Alaskan Governor became the Republican Vice Presidential candidate, many questioned her foreign policy experience, but when she told Katie Couric that “Russia is her next -door neighbor,” Americans knew she was a keeper. Over her Vice Presidential run, she won the hearts of every single American and impressed them all with her knowledge of foreign countries. Unfortunately, John McCain lost the presidential election and therefore Palin could not become the next Vice President, which was the real tragedy in the loss. However, her knowledge and brilliance deserves to be celebrated in “The Sarah Palin School of International Studies.”
In the next 50 years, students could be flying to school on an aircraft or their teachers could be robots. Regardless of what may happen, there will always be schools that need to be named appropriately. Who knows, your kids could be riding the bus to “Lady Gaga Elementary School.”
