After being a WJ student for almost four years, I think I can say I know the place. I know not to touch the floors or the freshman, I know what it’s like to have to walk through snow and ice to get to my class in the portables and I, of course, know that if I litter in the halls I will burn and die forever.
And in reflection of my vast tanks of knowledge about our school, I can safely say that Dr. Garran has been slacking a bit. I mean, sure, he is a pretty good principal, but to truly have WJ function at its best, there is only one man for the job. And that man is Jack Mother F***ing Bauer.
The differences between Jack Bauer and Dr. Garran are few. But not only is Jack willing to do everything that is necessary to rescue the President’s spouse or organize a fund raising dinner, he’s also a doctor, just like Big G. It’s a little known fact that Bauer also holds a Doctoral degree in bad-assery, so it would be an easy adjustment for kids to make as soon as Bauer takes over, even when they’re being water-boarded to find out which one of their friends left his trash in the halls.
But there’s no way Dr. Bauer would make the transition from terror-fighting dynamo to education master without bringing his entourage, so naturally Assistant Principal Chris Merrill would be replaced by secret-terrorist but not, triple agent Tony Almeda. Of course this would lead to a skyrocketing boost in student attendance and close to an elimination of tardiness. And the halls would be clean enough to f***ing eat off of.
And maybe, just maybe, we could finally surpass Churchill and B-CC academically, there’s no telling how fast kids will learn when their motivation changes from getting good grades to keeping bullets out of their kneecaps.
Dr. Bauer will help further the modernization process at WJ, taking it much further than anyone could have imagined before. With Bauer fighting for WJ, a day will come to pass where every Promethean board comes with a .22, a baton and a bottle of water with a white cloth so teachers can get creative in motivating students.
In fact, day to day interactions with the princiPAL would completely change the WJ experience with Bauer as head-honcho. Imagine…..
Student: Hey, Dr. B.
Bauer: PICK UP YOUR TRASH OR I WILL GO AFTER YOUR FAMILY.
Student: Um, that’s not my Cheetos bag, Dr. B.
Bauer: YOU HAVE THREE SECONDS TO PICK IT UP BEFORE I RIP OUT YOUR SPINE.
Student: All right, all right, I’ll pick it up.
People may mistake Jack Bauer as a rude, forthright, impersonal kind of guy, but when he gets in your face and shouts, “PICK UP YOUR TRASH!” every morning, it’s just his way of saying “Hi!”
Oh, and we should eat babies in the case of a great potato famine. They are delicious and nutritious, and I’m pretty sure Jack Bauer eats them, too.
