Once my parents knew they were having a girl, they had narrowed their “A names” down to two choices: Arielle and Abigail. The tie-breaker was my sister, who, at the time, suffered from severe speech problems as a little two-year-old. The story goes that when my sister Rachel said “Arielle,” it somehow sounded like “how are you?” My parents were kind enough to not name me “How-Are-You Singley,” so, they went for Abby. This name-choice has now allowed me to fulfill my life dream of writing an advice column. “Dear Arielle” wouldn’t have worked; we all know that only Abbys and Amys can give real advice in the D.C. area.; just “Ask Amy.” Therefore, I present you The Pitch’s “Dear Abby” . . .
Dear Abby,
When I decided which teacher I wanted to write my college recommendations, I figured it would be a good idea to start sucking up to her a bit just to leave a good impression. She’s really into flowers, so I thought, what better than to get her a beautiful vase for her classroom, right? I’m pretty short on cash, so I went to my neighbor’s garage sale and found what seemed to be the coolest looking flower vase ever. He gave me a really good deal on it, although he was acting a little weird when I bought it and told him about my teacher and her love of flowers and unique vases. I bought this beautiful bouquet of flowers to go with the vase and proudly walked into the teacher’s room with the gift. She freaked out and confiscated the vase before I could even give it to her as a gift. It turns out it was a bong. Security came and I got suspended for three days. Word has spread, and I can’t find a single teacher to right me a rec. They all think I’m a stupid pothead. Help!
Sincerely,
Flower Bong
Dear Flower Bong,
Wow, that really sucks. I’ve heard of a similar story involving brownies…bad idea. So, first of all, definitely stay away from anymore gifts when it comes to popping the question for college recs. If literally not a single teacher in the school will write you a recommendation, it might be time to make up a sob story: marijuana addiction. Rain that parade on this flower-loving teacher and who knows, maybe she’s experimented with some plants, other than flowers, and will understand. And if Ms. Flowers is out of the question, go tell a few other teachers your story of pot addiction, and give them a week or so of feeling sorry for you, and then you’re guaranteed that at least one of those teachers will feel sorry enough for you and write your rec. Good luck!
Love,
Abby
