Speakeasies take over WJ bathrooms

Senators+pitcher+and+high+school+namesake+Walter+Johnson+%28right%29+performs+bar+tricks+as+a+crowd+gathers+in+a+Baltimore+speakeasy%2C+circa+1930.+While+it+may+not+be+common+knowledge+today%2C+Johnson+was+infamous+for+his+homemade+liquor+business+during+Prohibition%2C+and+pioneering+the+creation+of+the+mixed+drink+known+as+the+Fastball.

Photo courtesy of Legendary History

Senators pitcher and high school namesake Walter Johnson (right) performs bar tricks as a crowd gathers in a Baltimore speakeasy, circa 1930. While it may not be common knowledge today, Johnson was infamous for his homemade liquor business during Prohibition, and pioneering the creation of the mixed drink known as the Fastball.

A tiled hallway stands still, populated only by a handful of students dismayed to make another trek to find a bathroom that they can enter. Yet, a low hum of music emanates through the door to the supposedly closed restroom. Another student appears, approaching the door with purpose, knocking twice, then waiting three seconds before knocking twice again. The hinges creak slightly as the heavy wooden door cracks open, and a disembodied voice asks “Cats or cows?” The student answers “Spartans”, and jazz music momentarily fills the hallway as the student enters with the door hurriedly closing behind them.

The rotating closure of bathrooms intended to curb hazardous drug use has in fact enabled a clandestine group of students to take advantage of the vacant area to create a new kind of safe space: speakeasies. The underground clubs started to open up after members of the Mischief Club began to notice that the age of the locks on the doors made them easy to pick. After this knowledge was quickly spread through back channels around the school, a brief period of anarchy ensued.

“It got really hairy in there the first couple days, and not just because the Amatuer Barber club was going ham with the scissors,” senior Tyler Mitchell said. “It was a lot of clubs and friend groups battling it out for the spaces, we had to ban chemical warfare because Axe bombs were making the rooms unusable. It got really brutal.”

Eventually a tentative order was established, with the Debate Team taking control of the G Level girls bathroom and the boys baseball team occupying a bathroom in the 200s. In a sign of solidarity against the recent attacks on transgender youth, all sides have agreed to leave the gender neutral bathroom untouched. Both forces partnered with Science Olympiad as the producer of their DIY liquor, and some ground rules have been set in both speak-easies to keep things from getting too out of hand.

“I’d rather have this whole thing shut down than see a single freshman walk through those doors,” junior Anthony Blinken said. “I’m really glad the Debate Team and the baseball team can agree on keeping them out. I think it’s good they limited the number of drinks per student too, but it’s a bit strange they kept the no hats rule.”

All of this not-so-covert rule-breaking begs the question, where is the security team? The amateur mobsters have made sure to keep the guards happy, with promises of enforcing order in their sections of the hallway and unlimited access to the vending machines in exchange for being given free reign of their bathrooms, and tips as to when administration plans to rotate which bathrooms are open. However, there may also be more altruistic reasons for the security officers turning a blind eye.

“I just think it’s great the students have something they all made themselves, it’s so nice to see them coming together and taking initiative. The youth is the future, and I think we have to give them a space where they can learn to flourish and make mistakes, before going into the harsh real world of organized crime and college fraternities,” an anonymous officer said.

Inside the speak-easies the mood is generally laid back and calm, despite the violence used to establish each club’s control and the guards armed with gavels and baseball bats at the entrances. Smooth jazz exudes out of speakers rigged to the ceilings, or a live musician is invited perform for the small audience (A drum line concert nearly led to discovery). Bartenders stack up thin wooden beams near the sinks to dispense their drinks behind, and an old Promethean board has been laid on it’s side and made into a pool table in the G Level bathroom. There is a three dollar entry fee, with the DECA members working pro bono to cook the books for each club as practice for their future careers.

I absolutely love what they’ve done with the place. It’s like you’re stepping into a completely different world, the clubs have done a great job of emulating the time period.

— Jeremy Butler

In fact, the baseball team has been giving their customers a literal taste of history from a surprising source: Walter Johnson’s moonshine collection. The famous pitcher and namesake of the school had his heyday in the prime years of Prohibition, and took advantage of one the most lucrative and growing businesses of the time, bootlegging. Johnson’s base of operations shifted many times throughout the period, but landed on the very farm property that the high school was built on no more than two decades after the 21st Amendment was passed, legalizing the sale of alcohol and putting Johnson out of business.

“It’s been an open secret passed down within the WJ baseball and softball teams for generations, we just never had a use for it until now,” sophomore Edward Cullen said. “It took like ten of us to dig it up from under the dug out, and even more to carry the crates into the building under the cover of night. But after taking a swig of that, you’ll know it was worth it.”

Students have taken to calling this historical concoction “Mad-cow milk” or “Wildcat-nip”, and it has certainly given the baseball team an edge on their competitor. However, the clubs have come together to ensure that no students go too far with their consumption, and can make it back to class only moderately sloshed.

“As much as some people may think we’re being unsafe, we’re really committed to harm reduction. Since when has abstinence training ever worked?” Debate team member and senior Daniela Lopez said. “We give people a space where they know they won’t be getting anything laced with anything else and they won’t be judged. In addition, we always have a nurse onsite if there’s ever any issues. Although no promises that she’s 100% sober.”

6
0