Critiquing the Internet with Danielle and Zack

Critiquing+the+Internet+with+Danielle+and+Zack

Danielle and Zack, A&E Editor

Ever since Rebecca Black sung her way to tween fame with her notorious music video, “Friday,” hundreds of similar videos have surfaced online, trying to turn prepubescent teens into household names through terrible auto-tuning. While the poor quality of these videos can be considered part of their charm, some of them are downright creepy. Self-proclaimed famous Pitch investigative reporters Danielle and Zack dug through YouTube to find the strangest and creepiest child star videos. Shockingly, all were uploaded by a disturbing channel called “Patomuzic”.

 

ABCEFG

Overview: The video opens with wannabe child star Alison Gold sitting in a dollhouse while a full grown, heavy-set, African American man, Patrice Wilson, peers in the window with a giant grin on his face. While Gold belts out some insightful lyrics (literally just the alphabet), Wilson sends the girl a note, telling her to get in his car, which he calls his Wilson Wagon, and drives her to a club. On the way, Wilson targets another girl with heart arrows, trying to get her to fall in love with Gold. When this doesn’t work, Wilson once again targets Gold by straight up drugging her by slipping something in her drink. Apparently Wilson mixes up his potions because Gold starts tripping and seeing everyone as puppets. Eventually, Wilson succeeds in seducing the two teen girls, they lean in to kiss each other when Gold’s new love interest randomly turns into Chinese food (because why not right?). The video ends with Gold eating her former crush and Wilson looking disappointed.

Danielle’s Reaction: This video hurt me on an emotional level. That’s all I have to say.

Zack’s Reaction: I’ve never been less comfortable while watching a video. I have a lot of questions about this one. Did nobody, on the entire production team, think, “hey, maybe we shouldn’t make a video about kidnapping and drugging pre-teen girls”? Does Wilson think that creeping on little girls is going to launch his rap career? And strangest of all, why did Wilson want the girls to fall in love so bad? I thought about these questions for a while, then I copied the link to the video and sent it to the FBI. See you in  20 years Patrice.

 

SKIP ROPE 

Overview: Under the name of “Tweenchronic,” preteens Allison and Stacy star in the hip-hop video “Skip Rope.” While the lyrics seem practically harmless, about the art of jumping rope, the video is shocking as it clearly portrays the drug trade. Using candy to signify the drugs, they sell and consume the candy in high volumes, at one point pouring pixie sticks all over their faces. With cop cars, elaborate dance numbers in dark alleys and multiple costume changes, Allison and Stacy close the video with some “peace out y’all”’s and with an intense shot of the candy dealer. A true artistic masterpiece.

Danielle’s Reaction: What in the world did I just watch. Poor Allison and Stacy, they probably don’t understand what is going on. These children just encouraged me to buy drugs. Thanks, Patrice Wilson, you’re killing the game with these great morals. 

Zack’s Reaction: I almost bought crack after watching this video.

 

CHINESE FOOD

Overview: This absolutely insane video, viewed over 16 million times opens up with a Chinese man cooking noodles on the grill. It has a promising beginning, with curly haired pop sensation Allison Gold singing a ballad about how hungry she is until she catches a whiff of a Chinese restaurant that just so happens to be exactly where she is! How convenient. For some cultural infusion, translations of the lyrics appear in different languages at the bottom on the screen. Allison sings about how much she loves Chinese food including noodles and “Chow-mo-mo-mo-mo-mein,” until she opens up a fortune cookie that tells he she will make a new friend…. SURPRISE! A giant panda appears and they embark on an almost romantic montage as they frolic through fields of flowers. And if you didn’t get enough of Patrice Wilson, middle-aged rap sensation in “ABCDEFG,” it turns out that he’s the Panda! For a twist at the end, the fortune cookie changes and the Panda flys away through the roof of Allison’s house on a rainbow. Nothing better than realistic videos like this.

Danielle’s Reaction: To be honest, I love this song. I may or may not have purchased it on iTunes. But keep it on the low.

Zack’s Reaction: It’s catchy. It’s innovative. It’s about something everyone loves. And most importantly, it has my man Patrice in it. Rebecca Black, look out because Chinese Food is about to go double platinum.

Moral of the story: Just don’t watch these videos. They’re creepy.

 

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