Rodman wins surprise election


Elijah Bruce, Staff Writer

After a heated and competitive battle to 270 electoral votes on the night of March 10, Walter Johnson AP Economics and U.S. Government teacher Timothy Rodman, or, as his students know him, “T-Dawg,” snagged the 2016 presidential election out from under fellow Social Studies teacher Nathan Schwartz’s nose with his victory in the state of Pennsylvania.

   A mass impeachment of President Donald Trump and 12 congressmen and cabinet members that would have succeeded the presidency early last month left America stunned, wondering who would step up and run the country. Rodman and his vice president, economics and government teacher Steve Miller, were quick to fill that position following their victory in the special election.

   “It is with great honor that I accept this opportunity to serve you, the American people. Let us now resolve to resume the country’s interrupted march along the path of real equality for all of our citizens, great and small,” Rodman said in his acceptance speech. “May we all live the five.”

   Rodman promises to conduct monthly “Living the 5” bracelet checks for 500 randomly selected citizens in each state. The states with the highest proportion of people wearing the bracelets with receive a boost in federal funding.

   “I’m very devoted to my work at Walter Johnson, so I will continue to teach while I am serving my term,” Rodman said. “I have a free fourth period, so that will be America’s class time.”

   Rodman has emphasized numerous times that he is one of the people. He announced last week that he will continue to reside at his goat farm rather than take up residence in the White House. He also opened an Edmodo page where the American people can post concerns and questions on his wall.

   The citizens of the United States will be indubitably more educated about the workings of the United States government through the weekly FRQs that will be mailed to every citizen over the age of 10, each to be graded by Rodman himself. Although the average citizen’s workload will increase heavily, their newfound education of American government through T-Dawg’s four-year class will be better for the country.

   “[Mr. Rodman] is so funny and smart, and I know he’s capable of running this country,” junior Radhika Conoley-Marsh said. “I hope he will make America as fun as his classes.”

   Rodman’s world-renowned goat farm will play a role in his agenda: he campaigned with the promise to raise funding for the Department of Agriculture. There have been rumors that the “Rodster” will be taking a close look at junior Thomas Azari for the position of Secretary of Agriculture. Azari has been leading the tight race for the position, but Rodman has always been known to throw a curveball into his decisions about his future appointees, as he did when he nominated teacher Allison Hoefling for Secretary of Education after convincing the public that her colleague, Nicole McCarn, was perfect for the job.