March Madness is chaos. 64 teams all fighting to win the big dance. But, some of these teams have the unfortunate honor of honing some of the dumbest mascots out there. That’s why I have bestowed myself the task of deciding which march madness mascots I could take on in a street brawl.

The Saint Peter’s Peacocks miracle run has been inspiring so far, but it will sadly end when I meet the peacock in the same back alley where Bruce Wayne’s parents met their demise. While Peacocks have sharp edges that can be quite damaging, the Saint Peter’s Peacock does not possess my insane hand-eye coordination and karate skills. I will win this fight easily.

Purdue Pete has been dubbed the creepiest looking mascot, but once you see past his terrifying gaze, Purdue Pete is a nice charming figure. While Pete may have the size advantage, he does not have 500 hours of experience on Wii sports boxing like I do. One right hook and the towel will be thrown in on this one.

Duke’s Blue Devil is nothing to worry about. One prayer session and he evaporates into the sun.

My streak unfortunately ends with Texas Tech’s mascot, the Masked Rider. Not only does this dude have insane facial hair, he also has a horse. My horse taming skills have taken a tumble since 2010, and a 2v1 just isn’t fair.

Providence’s mascot is a friar. Since I just lost a 2v1, I’m calling the Blue Devil in for this one. I’ll sit back and watch as I witness a battle not seen since the beginning of time.

The Arkansas Razorback is a Red Hog. Hogs are a symbol for capitalism. One mention of socialism and his body will trickle down into a million pieces. I once again win easily.

Gonzaga’s Bulldog will be an emotional battle for me. You will never catch me fighting a dog. Therefore, I will once again send the duke blue devil to take care of this one.

The Kansas Jayhawk has the advantage of the skies, but once that’s taken care of he stands no chance against my karate kid inspired leg kick. However, I have a mortifying fear of birds. This one ends in a tie, game recognizes game.

Michigan’s Wolverine mascot may seem scary at first, but the wolverine character played by Hugh Jackman is sad. One “yo shoes raggedy” comment and he’s finished.

Villanova’s mascot, Will D. Cat, will not be as easy as the wolverine battle. My mom is allergic to cats, so fighting a cat seems like an ill advised idea. For the safety of my dearest mother, I will not be participating in this fight.

The Houston Shasta is a cougar. Easy. All I’ll do here is remind the cougar that the Astros ring in 2017 is fraudulent. Since Astros fans haven’t mastered reading between the lines yet, I win this battle.
Arizona features a wildcat as their mascot. 0 points for creativity. I can’t bail on another fight, so I’ll supply my mom with 15 claritins before I embark on another battle. This one will be tough, but since this cat is infamously wild, I will be defeated.

UNC’s mascot is a ram, that’s not fair.

UCLA’s mascot is a brown bear. After many hours of watching that one scene from the revenant, I came to a conclusion that I cannot fight a brown bear.

Iowa State’s mascot is a cardinal. Wash, rinse, repeat. Birds are my prey.

And finally, Miami University’s Redhawk. This one is different from previous birds, the University of Miami is inconventlly located in Florida, home of Florida man. There’s also hurricanes and alligators. I need backup. First, I’m using my Scottish connections to get myself the mythical loch ness monster to fight alongside me. I will also need William Wallace (specifically not Mel Gibson) to fight with me. The battle will be close. The Hurricane won’t be an issue. I’ll have a poncho handy. I see Miami winning early, but using his amazing skills of motivation, my Scottish compatriots come through and defeat the puny bird and the infamous Florida man.

Long story short, this was a waste of time to write.