Curveball: Tell Tasha: The Honest Advice Column of WJ

Dear Tasha,

My Indian boyfriend and my dog don’t get along. I have a yellow Labrador puppy named Wilmer and whenever my boyfriend holds him, he urinates on him. It’s happened three times; he doesn’t pee on anyone else. Wilmer also constantly barks at him whenever he tries to get near me. How can I get the two to be friends?

Sincerely,

Wilmer Just Hates my Significant Other



Dear WJHS,

I’m going to be blunt; your dog is either a racist or gay. His yelps are either his young hormones telling your boyfriend “my butt would look way better in her jeans” or an expression of fear towards his skin color. You want to address both these scenarios at once. Introduce Wilmer to all the cool things Indians can do while supporting him on whatever may be his preferred sexual orientation. Introduce him to the latest Bollywood flicks in addition to taking him to a speed dating service for homosexual canines. That’s right; flaunt the gay pride within Wilmer! After all, he’s already judging the way you look in those jeans, think about all the other fashion advice he could give you!

Love,

Tasha


Dear Tasha,

My parents refuse to give me any lunch money due to the issues with our economy. They’re encouraging me to pack my own lunch, but that requires me waking up eight minutes earlier in the morning. I haven’t been waking up early, and haven’t been packing my lunch. I’ve skipped lunch for the past two weeks and my friends make fun of me claiming I’ve lost my “muscle mass.” Help.

Sincerely,

Wishing for a Jelly and Ham Sandwich

Dear WJHS,

You’re no Gandhi. Instead of a hunger strike, convince your parents to cut costs in other areas. In the place of toilet paper, start using issues of The Observer, Churchill’s student newspaper. Consider finding more efficient friends, ones who will pay for your lunch or let you mooch off theirs. Isn’t that in their job description?

Love,

Tasha


Dear Tasha,

Today I called my boyfriend saying, “I cheated.” He then cut me off and confessed that he cheated on me too, yesterday after school with one of my best friends. I had called him to tell him I cheated on my algebra 2 test. What now?

Sincerely,

What Just Happened?… Sh**.

Dear WJHS,

I would say break up with him, but he probably already dumped your ass for cheating on that math test. At least he’s being honest by confessing to you, the one he’s wronged. You, on the other hand, have yet to tell your teacher you decieved her by cheating. Don’t fret; there’s still time to redeem yourself. Bake a chocolate fudge cake for your teacher with the letters S-O-R-R-Y iced across the center, get on your knees and beg for forgiveness and a retake. If you have the allowable artistic ability, write the quadratic formula underneath the letters, just to reinsure your teacher you’re not a complete moron. As for the boy, he doesn’t deserve your bad influence. Lay off dating for a while, you could save a lot of students from obtaining destructive morals.

Love,

Tasha


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