Disclaimer: These are not meant to be taken seriously and don’t have any scientific backing to them. They’re just for fun.
CAPRICORN
You might feel a sense of relaxation and relief. Don’t be fooled. Either you have found your inner peace or, more likely, you have forgotten everything you still have to do today. Enjoy this moment before the panic sets in.
AQUARIUS
All of your dreams are achievable, although many of them would involve bionic implants and a lot of counterfeit monopoly money. Answer scam calls this week, strike up a conversation\; maybe you’ll make a new friend.
PISCES
It’s a very emotional time right now, I get it, but that’s no excuse to rage quit on your English presentation. When you accidentally close that browser tab, CTRL + SHIFT + T will reopen it. Take some deep breaths and remember: Floss. It’s more important than you think.
ARIES
Feeling like politicians, family members and pretty much everyone sucks? Red is your color today. See it, feel it, be it. Anyone in your household not wearing red doesn’t deserve your respect. This message is not affiliated with Heinz or the communist party.
TAURUS
If you stare at something you dropped on the ground, eventually someone will pick it up for you. If you’re considering this, maybe you should reevaluate your life and your choices this week. No time like the present to try to salvage your dignity.
GEMINI
Expect the universe to send you a lot of messages this week. None of them are really important, but keep an eye out. When someone yells “duck,” they don’t mean the waterfowl kind. Tell Karma you get the message before it turns into an old lady beating you with her purse.
CANCER
Things are looking up for you. You can keep this up if you continue to make good choices. Try eating a vegetable with dinner. Maybe it’s time to let go of that grudge you’ve been holding. Also, if you never liked brussels sprouts before, try them again. Your tastes may have changed.
LEO
Make an effort to spend more time talking to your friends – I’m sorry – your entourage of loyal subjects. Failing to do so may result in a coup. Also, telling your Scorpio friend that “no one cares” will prove futile. Don’t waste your energy.
VIRGO
I would advise against ironing your clothes today. Instead, try having some fun to iron out your creases. Also, I hate to break it to you but all the time you spent learning Spanish is never going to pay off, te lo dije.
LIBRA
Being stuck at home may be starting to take a toll on you. Have an umbrella handy for sudden emotional downpours. Ignore all the feelings and pick up a new hobby. Slogan t-shirt writing may be your forte.
SCORPIO
It might be time to stop consulting the J. Crew catalog and TV guide for answers. Stock up on Red Bull, tuna and Pepto-Bismol and have a good crying session. Then try spending some time with your thoughts so they won’t feel so scared and alone anymore.
SAGITTARIUS
If you feel like life is passing you by, go for a run, try some cardio. Take a walk in someone else’s shoes for once. That way you’ll know if they have good arch support before you buy yourself a pair.
