As homecoming season approaches, boys frantically begin squaring away dates, much like the squirrel stores away nuts for the approaching winter. During these hectic times, it can be easy for boys in particular to end up with their feet in their mouths, spoiling any chance of securing a homecoming date. Whether this is their fault because of rash decision-making, or simply because they have been refused by prospective dates, in the end many wind up going stag—when they would rather have a beautiful Wildcat on their arm. We are here to offer all the boys out there three years of experience, passing on hard-won knowledge to help you, our hideous and socially dysfunctional readers, have a chance at finding true homecoming love.

CK: Never ask out someone older. Last year I asked Ms. Gold to homecoming, and boy was that a mistake. I should have listened when she said she wanted someone “more mature,” but instead I sat on her term papers and cried until she said yes. Our tender slow dance to Lil’ Boosie’s “We Out Chea,” was almost as romantic as her screams while the police were taking her away. But by the end of the night, I was dancing solo and wishing I had asked someone from my grade.

MM: Don’t try too hard to win a date’s approval. I made this mistake my sophomore year when I tried asking out Annie Ezekilova. I was really eager to ask her out, and I could feel the chemistry between us; I especially felt the connection when I watched her sleep, staring at her through a hole I made in the ceiling of her room. Sometimes I would even whisper love sonnets into her ear while she slept. It was around that time she gave me a message of her own. She filed a restraining order of 2,000 feet, which made it near impossible to attend class that year.

CK: A word to the wise: never ask anyone for advice on how to pop the question. Only you know how you want to ask out your date. Sophomore year, when I had no idea how to ask Bryn Molloy to homecoming, I thought to myself, “Who gets more women than anyone I know?…….KC Griffin!” So, under his guidance, I dougied outside of Bryn’s house for nine hours, finally stopping when she called the police and I was tazered into cardiac arrest.

MM: Be sure not to take two dates to the same dance. I made that mistake my junior year, when I ended up taking both Van Wagoner sisters to homecoming. I had asked Emma Van Wagoner initially, then, not knowing that Carly Van Wagoner was her sister, I asked her too, wanting a date with a little more height. This obviously made the already awkward parent-date meeting even more unbearable. The image of the cold piercing glare Mr. Van Wagoner gave me during the lawn photographs still haunts my dreams to this day.

With wisdom gained from our impeccable track records, we wish our readers the best of luck.

*Names, places and events are fictitious for the purpose of humor.