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The official student newspaper of Walter Johnson High School

The Pitch

The official student newspaper of Walter Johnson High School

The Pitch

Mascots I could beat in a fight: Part Two

This+classic+mascot%2C+Benny+the+Bull+is+a+classic+entertainer+during+time-outs+and+halftime+for+the+Chicago+Bulls.+He+is+among+the+few+who+would+instantly+TKO+me+and+I+would+stay+knocked+out.
Courtesy Wikimedia Commons
This classic mascot, Benny the Bull is a classic entertainer during time-outs and halftime for the Chicago Bulls. He is among the few who would instantly TKO me and I would stay knocked out.

We’re reaching the last leg of most sports seasons. It’s game 30 out of 38 in the Premier League, the NBA playoffs are starting Apr. 20 and the NHL Stanley Cup playoffs are starting on Apr. 22. With fans debating which teams are the favorites or which players are going to win it for them, I’m going to be discussing mascots I think I could take in a “Street Fighter,” “Injustice” type fight.

Probably the easiest mascot I could take is Iceburgh, the Pittsburgh Penguins mascot. Being an adorable penguin doesn’t help its case considering one two-foot tackle would completely take its legs out. Although it has height, penguins don’t quite possess the greatest agility on solid land, giving me a much greater chance of knocking out Iceburgh.

Phillie Phanatic and Pirate Parrot are another two easy dubs. Their large and in charge bodies wouldn’t help them as one right hook into Phillie Phanatic’s nose and Pirate Parrot’s beak would be enough to knock them off their feet and declare me victor.

My winning streak continues with the G-Wiz, the Washington Wizards mascot. The Wizards have had a terrible streak in the NBA this season, now being 15th in the Eastern Conference so it’s unsurprising their mascot would have just as bad luck.

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I would also be able to take on the Miami Heat mascot, Burnie. Just toss some water on him and he’s extinguished.

The waters get a bit muddy with Gritty, the Philadelphia Flyers mascot. He’s a scary one, dubbed as “unsettling” by most with his crazy eyes not doing much to help his cause. What’s supposed to strike fear into his opponents’ hearts, might just be his downfall, though. Behind his lazy eye and long, uncombed fur, stands pure insanity. And in a tale as old as time, most notable in Batman vs. Joker, Gritty would be his own demise. Just stick a hockey stick in between his legs and watch him tumble.

Benny the Bull is more of a challenge. Being a cold and calculated prankster, there isn’t a scenario I find where I don’t end up being caked or dunked on.

I’d definitely win against The Coyote from the San Antonio Spurs; paint an open door on to a wall and watch as it runs straight into it, knocking himself out.

I will admit, I’m getting swept by the founding fathers of the Washington Nationals. George Washington and Teddy Roosevelt were both in the army and from that, I won’t be able to take them. Abe Lincoln was a wrestler in his prime and Thomas Jefferson, I could probably take him.

Last but not least, Thunderbug from the Tampa Bay Lightning would not last three seconds against a can of raid.

This is part two and it’s still very necessary.

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Rhea Noumair, Print Opinion Editor and Illustrator
Junior Rhea Noumair is in her third year of Pitch and is the Print Opinion Editor and Illustrator. She enjoys playing and watching soccer, painting and listening to music in her free time.
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