Stubin caught milking Madcow for basketball powers


Photo courtesy of Phillip Stubin

Stubin used the Madcow’s milk to propel the Wildcats to a late season surge, winning the 4A West division for the first time since 1998. He warns WJ students to look out for BCC and Whitman spies next year who will inevitably try to steal the milk for their schools.

Will Cohen, Online news editor

 The incredible, improbable WJ varsity boys’ basketball season has finally come to an end after defeat at the hands of Richard Montgomery in the 4A West regional final. Star sophomore guard Phillip Stubin shined throughout the season, routinely blowing by defenders, finding teammates with ease and knocking down clutch, momentum shifting three point shots. Stubin played fantastically, but recent developments have revealed that his great play may not have come naturally.

“I was shocked when I walked into the locker room and saw what he was doing,” senior guard Spencer Mahne said. “I see Phil lying underneath the madcow, sucking milk out of its udders. Who does that?!”

Stubin declined to comment until the team was eliminated from the playoffs, but now that the season is over, WJ’s point guard offered some explanation.

“Basically, Principal Baker told me that if I wanted to elevate my game, I should milk the madcow and drink the milk for special powers,” Stubin said. “At first, I didn’t believe her, but when I tasted that delicious, creamy milk, I immediately felt a difference in my game. I could run faster, jump higher and my bones were so strong that defenders bounced right off of me.”

Evidently, WJ’s Madcow mascot is capable of producing physically altering milk, a huge boost for a school historically lacking in size and athleticism. Coach Kevin Parish believes the school’s newfound secret weapon will make them a powerhouse in MCPS basketball for years to come.

“This completely changes how I will evaluate players at tryouts. Instead of just basketball ability, I’m going to take a good look at calcium intake, as a higher calcium intake multiplies the effects of our Madcow’s special milk,” Parish said.  

Stubin assured his coach that there were no health risks associated with the milk, claiming that he worked with the FDA to get the secret milk approved for use earlier in the year.

“I don’t even milk it into a bucket or anything, I just get under the madcow and suck it right out of the udders,” Stubin said. “It’s pretty yummy, and I think this is the missing ingredient that will take our team to another level.”

After a grueling, yet exciting season, the Madcow is ready to start producing milk for next year’s run.

“Phillip and I got really close this year, like really close. Hopefully, I can bring in top quality milk to next season, but in bottles. Phillip is the only one I’ll ever let get the milk straight from my udders,” the Madcow said.

This year marks the beginning of a dynasty for WJ basketball, and if Stubin’s great play is any indication, this team is going to be unstoppable with the Madcow’s milk flowing through their bodies for years to come.