Starting April 1, administration and staff will begin teaching students new procedures in the case of many specific emergencies. The usual lockdown drills for intruders, natural disasters and other “dangerous” cases have been canceled as they are not nearly as important as the new ones being implemented.

The first new drill will be the “tissue terror attack,” where students must grab loads of tissues and anything that resembles tissues and cover all smart screens with them. This includes phones, computers, chromebooks, etc. The government is always watching, and the most effective way to block out their signal and shut off their connection is by covering all compromised spaces with sturdy tissue paper–the kind that WJ has (yes, the one that rubs your nose and makes it red).

This drill took quite some time to get passed, as many people refuse to believe that the government is watching us…which brings us to our next drill.

The next drill is “birds v. chromebooks” where students must chuck their chromebooks at the birds who are secretly watching them. The birds are actually government agents operating under the influence of the Republican National Committee. Students are allowed to leave their classrooms if they see the birds flying outside. The county will reimburse students for destroying their computers, supplying them with a huge stock incase birds are rapidly appearing to attack.

The less political drills being implemented are the “grab your buddy,” “erase the teacher” and “walk out of school” drills.

The “grab your buddy” drill will occur if a water bottle is spilled. This one is quite simple, but it often leads to depression. To explain it better, names will be addressed to each person in this sort of instance. Billy, Bob and Joe will represent the example of the “grab your buddy” drill. Billy is secretly in love with Bob, but Bob doesn’t feel the same. So when another hydroflask falls off a desk and rocks the core of the earth, and the water begins to spill, Bob doesn’t grab Billy; Bob grabs Joe. Billy is heart broken.

This drill is still being refined, as the administration is trying to avoid new cases of depression.

“Erase the teacher” is not as violent as it sounds. In this drill, when students correct teachers, and then teachers attempt to gaslight the students, they are allowed to “erase the teacher.” This will allow students to erase the whiteboard, take away the teacher’s materials and, if in a science room, turn on the gas burner.

And last but certainly not least, the “walk out of school” drill. Students can walk out of the building if they feel like it. Mental stress, fatigue and stress are common factors that students battle everyday in the classrooms. So, in order to support the student body, they will be allowed to leave any time they want. The school will provide driving accommodations and snacks on the ride home so that students are as comfortable as possible.
The well-being of the students is what matters the most, so the implementation of these new drills will prevent students from the unfortunate reality that is high school.