March 30, 2023, 8:30 pm. Tension fills the dry air as Sharon Brown and Angela Miller debate the allocation of their actual. As the room goes quiet, both ladies grow solemn as they silently come to a mutual understanding of their circumstances. Their backs turn to each other and their hearts race faster with each step from the center of the auditorium. Suddenly, a loud voice cuts through the room like an Arkansas Toothpick.

“DRAW!”

As the smoke fades, it becomes clear that the gardening club’s new flower bed will have to wait. Miller has made her jack.

In light of recent disputes over limited funding, the PTA has introduced a new procedure to prevent gridlock. This new addition to discussions is what’s referred to as a “Quick Draw Duel,”. This gives parents the option to civilly and efficiently solve their disputes mano y mano. The quick draw has seen great success, with some accounts estimating that its introduction has decreased average discussion time by over 60%. “It’s really quite effective,” commented PTA board member Lisa Bennett. “The imminent threat of bloodshed has been a strong incentive to swiftly address administrative issues,”.

The use of consensual violence to solve disputes is nothing new for public school PTA’s in the United States. Last year, a district in Wisconsin made headlines for their innovative use of Medieval Jousting to settle the heated debate over the date of the spring Jazz festival. Many were captivated by Sir Micheal Thomas’s declaration of his unyielding support of the March 13 commonwealth in his dying breath as they narrowly took victory over the April 7th kingdom. “April seventh is too close to the end of spring break,” Thomas croaked, “The kids will be out of practice,”. His bravery has inspired many parents across the nation to take their strong opinions from the boardroom to the field of battle.

However, not all parents are in support of draw duels. Another PTA volunteer, Mary Ramirez has been an outspoken critic of this new policy. “Firearms have absolutely no place being discharged on school grounds given our current political environment,” Ramirez continued, “We need to consider comparably lethal alternatives, such as using poison blow darts, or bayonet charges,”. Others have questioned the motive of Ramierez’s arguments. “Mary just has her saddle in a twist cuz she has carpal tunnel from yapping too much on the listserve,” Angela Miller interjected, “That Dame could be aiming at the broad side of Sienna and still miss,”.

The addition of the new procedure has also resulted in different unexpected turns of policy.
“Everyone thought that student leadership saved male poms this year,” Brown coughed from her hospital bed, “Male poms only came back this year cos’ I went heeled with Shelly.”

The new school ID policy can also be credited to a draw duel between Daniel Smith and Kimberly Anderson. The victor, Anderson, had much to say on behalf of the new rules “Safety should be our top priority in a school environment, if students are saying that they feel unsafe, then we need to do everything we can to address that.” Anderson then proceeded to light a cigar and look off into the golden yellow horizon, only marred by the red and blue lights of an arriving ambulance.

PTA draw duels may not be forever though. A new surprise proposal by Karen Lee aims to end the duels once and for all.

“It’s absolute madness,” Lee said in her statement, “This is absolutely barbaric and needs to end.”

The new controversial proposal has been vehemently opposed by many, with its most outspoken critic being the board member with the best K/D, Angela Miller.

“If Karen doesn’t have the guts to take her opinions to the streets, then she doesn’t have to,” Miller continued, “But those of us who feel passionately about school related issues have the right to settle our disputes in whatever way we please.”

As Miller and Lee continue to debate this issue the outcome is still far from prediction. However, those tired of the gridlock will soon have their relief as Miller and Lee have agreed to settle the issue surrounding the new proposal in the auditorium next Sunday at high noon.