Mistakes we make in relationships

Maram Faragallah

More stories from Maram Faragallah


Photo Illustration by Nora Talbott

Victimize ourselves:
A lot of people in relationships relish the thought of being the victims. People like the idea that in fights they can scream, “You did this and I didn’t do anything about it although I didn’t like it.” Other people victimize themselves by overly thinking about their sacrifices and bringing them up. This damages relationships because when people lock their problems inside them instead of facing the other person, they exaggerate and overthink the problem. They start asking themselves whether the person intentionally meant to hurt them and over analyze things their partner did before to support this claim. I personally encourage people to communicate in their relationships so they don’t fall in the victimization rabbit hole. If communication is difficult and you can’t talk to your partner about things that bother you, maybe you’re not in the relationship you deserve. Despite this, don’t assume their reactions. Instead try to face them.

High Expectations:
Some people, me included, had this notion before that once I’m in a relationship, my life would change. I would start getting morning and good night texts. I expected lots of “I love you’s” and calls. We also have high expectations about how relationships are going to affect our lives. In the end, we realize how delusional we were and how things don’t really work that way.

A way to overcome that is to have realistic expectations and stop creating fairy tales we know in our hearts don’t exist. Ask your friends how their relationships are going to get a realistic idea of how relationships are. Most importantly, know that only you can solve your problems. It’s time to realize that partners are human too, rather than angels coming to save us.

Trying to change our partners:
This is the most common thing that people unconsciously do in relationships. Everyone has some partner criteria they filled out in their head at a point, causing them to try to change their partners into what they think they like. This damages the relationship because it makes one party not satisfied with the other, and, as a result, not satisfied in the relationship.

A way to solve that problem is to think about what made you fall in love with that person. You either realize you don’t really like that person as much as you thought, or you realize you didn’t understand what you wanted in your partner as much as you thought.

Those are a couple of problems people usually have in relationships. It’s always important before entering a relationship that you remember why you’re in this relationship, set expectations for yourself, and make them realistic. Most importantly, remember why you fell in love with that person, not what you want them to be.