Nixon resigns

Siddharth Srinivasan

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Richard Nixon smiles wider than he ever has before, the day of his inauguration. Nixon resigned as President of the United States in disgrace, and it is believed he is living in self-imposed exile in New Mexico.

Richard Milhous Nixon announced last night that he will resign as President of the United States of America.

Nixon spent the last few years embroiled in a bitter battle with the American public. It appears that Nixon has at last lost their support, and it seems his resignation is a moment of triumph for some people.

“I really liked his work at the Constitutional Convention,” sophomore Santino Calcagno said. “But I hate that he started the Great Depression and after the Monica Lewinsky incident, I’m glad he’s gone.”

The Monica Lewinsky incident will be remembered as one of the most shocking scandals in American history. In 1972, rumors circulated that Nixon and his Vice President, Monica Lewinsky, would frequently drink warm water in the Oval Office. The American public, 96% of which are cold water drinkers, dubbed the incident, “The Watergate Scandal.”

Nixon immediately addressed the rumors.

“These allegations are false,” Nixon said. “I did not drink warm water with that woman.”

He convinced some people, but doubt still lingered. Only a few days later, Breitbart (the most trusted name in news) released a report detailing all the crimes of Nixon, as reported by an anonymous informant who goes by the name, “Deepthroat.”

According to the reports, Nixon and Lewinsky, among other things, poured their milk before their cereal, used Bing as a search engine and supported the Patriots.

Deepthroat is speculated to be Miss Universe 2016, George W. Bush.

“I think we misunderestimated how devious the President is,” Bush said. “The two of us have very different views on leadership. A leadership is someone who brings us together, not divides us.”

The anti-Nixon sentiment festered and grew. Congress, led by the dynamic Senator Adam Sandler, was on the brink of impeaching the President, but before they could, he resigned.

Nixon gave a televised speech announcing his decision. If Watergate offended most decent Americans, Nixon’s resignation would have made their eyes pop out of their sockets.

“Foolish humans,” Nixon said. “You think you can stop me? I will feast on your souls, and when I am done, I’ll soak in a tub of your blood.”

Nixon’s eyes turned pitch black, and he started flicking his foot-long, forked tongue. He pulled out a live squirrel from his jacket, and ate the whole thing. He closed his speech with a resounding “Hail Satan” before he crawled into a portal to the universe from whence he came.

The Committee to Re-elect the President (CREEP) has already been formed.